it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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