just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
