i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
