Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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