My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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