The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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