dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
