Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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