Where is the hickey?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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