Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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