Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
