I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
