I think my fart just growled at me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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