I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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