Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
