I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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