im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
