Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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