did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
