What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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