i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize