Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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