She announced her abortion via fbk
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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