Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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