I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
