I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
