i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
