new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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