Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
