Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
