My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
