gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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