So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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