Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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