Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
