it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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