I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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