sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
