My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
