he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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