Just fell off a train. Bad.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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