i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I deserve this hangover.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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