I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
