i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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