I hate all girls vehemently.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
