Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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