Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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