I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
