I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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