blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
