My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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