also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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